You think it is consolation, but it deepens the wound.. 3 words that you should never say to someone who is going through a difficult time | Lifestyle

When Rebecca Love’s eldest child committed suicide in 2019, at the age of 25, it felt like her world exploded overnight. In the days and weeks that followed, as she could barely bear the worst pain she had ever known, people kept repeating the same phrase to her: “You are so strong.”

Those who said they thought they were comforting her, but she felt that these words hurt more than they soothed. Love, a psychotherapist in California, told Time magazine that it took her a long time to understand what bothered her about this phrase, before she realized that she was invalidating her feelings instead of acknowledging them. She explains, “It’s as if they’re saying: I don’t see your suffering, and I don’t acknowledge how terrible what you’re going through is.”

While others were praising her “strength,” Rebecca felt that she was just trying to survive, not relying on supernatural inner strength, but rather on people who remained by her side: her husband, her mother, and her closest friends, who realized that no one survives the loss of a child alone, so they did not tell her, “You are strong,” but rather came and accompanied the pain silently.

What does “you are strong” really mean?

Psychological experts believe that a phrase such as “You are strong” is often said with good intentions, but it carries hidden messages that may clash with what the bereaved person feels.

Psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” explains that true strength means showing feelings, asking for help, and admitting that we are suffering, while many confuse it with “stiffness” or pretending to be resilient. She says a comment like “You’re so strong” practically translates to: “Great job at not showing your emotions!” Or “I admire your ability to hold yourself together.”

The result is that the sad person may feel that he is required to hide his true feelings, not ask for help, and not allow himself to collapse in front of others.

Maureen speaks from personal experience. At the age of twenty-six, she lost her mother, then her husband. She remembers someone telling her – thinking he was comforting her – that her not crying “shows how strong she is.” But, as a psychotherapist, she was aware that people often put on a “brave mask” in public just to get through the day, and that reading this mask as strength sends exactly the wrong message.

Social worker Lauren Jessel adds that a person in crises is not “strong” in the common sense as much as he tries to deal with the circumstances imposed on him. When he hears the phrase, “You are strong,” he may feel that his experience has been reframed in a way that does not resemble what is inside him, as if someone is describing to him an image that has nothing to do with his feelings. This type of praise also increases the pressure on some people to keep their suffering inside, especially those who have learned that showing vulnerability is “unacceptable.”

As for Rebecca Love, she believes that praising strength in such moments is similar to “praising the ability to hide fragility.” When she was repeatedly told that she was strong, she did not feel seen, but rather silenced. She says, “The phrase ‘You are very strong’ is, in fact, ignored. It does not open the door to dialogue, and does not give the person an opportunity to say: I do not feel strong.”

Why do we cling to this phrase despite its harm?

If these words are so painful, why do we repeat them to those we love?

Amy Morin explains that the phrase soothes our own anxiety more than it helps the person in front of us. When we see a loved one drowning in grief or shock, our stress levels rise and we don’t know what to say, and we fear we will make things worse. If this person appears “coherent” on the outside, we cling to this image and repeat, “You are strong,” searching for some kind of reassurance: If he is able to bear what he is going through, then perhaps I too can bear something similar if it happened to me.

Love says that she understands this motive, but points out its hidden price: We place an additional burden on the bereaved person, as he not only faces his pain, but is also forced to reassure those around him and reduce the impact of what he is going through so as not to worry them. She believes that the roots of the problem are deeper, as we are “a society that does not talk about sadness,” and does not have the language or sufficient training to sit in the presence of pain without trying to fix it or wrap it in ready-made phrases.

What do we say instead of “You are strong”?

Experts believe that the best thing that can be given to those in pain is not witty advice, but real presence. Rebecca Love says what touched her most wasn’t a punchline, but a simple confession: “I don’t know what to say, but I love you, and I’m here for you.” This kind of honesty was more consoling than any flowery statement, because he did not pretend to have words worthy of loss.

Love points out that silence itself is neglected and underestimated, as people tend to fill the void with words, change the subject, or tell a story about themselves, while perhaps the most beautiful thing that can be offered to someone who is in pain is to sit next to him without trying to change his feelings or summarize them. “Your presence alone is so powerful. You don’t have to fix it, just witness what happens,” Love says.

As for Amy Morin, she suggests phrases that characterize sadness in its natural context, such as:

• “I imagine you’re feeling a lot of emotions right now, and that’s normal.”
• Or “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but what you’re feeling is understandable.”
• Or, “I know you have to keep it together at work, but if you feel like talking, I’m here.”

She stresses that the offer of support must be genuine and not a passing compliment. Short open-ended questions such as: “How are you now?”, if said seriously and with a willingness to listen, may open the door to a deeper conversation much more than a sermon about strength and patience.

For her part, Lauren Jessel stresses that the goal is not to push the person to overcome his ordeal quickly, but rather to accompany him through it. You can simply ask him what type of support would benefit him most at this stage, as some need practical, tangible help, and others just need a listening ear and an understanding heart.

When a condolence expression hurts you…do you have the right to respond?

Rebecca Love reminds those going through periods of mourning that they don’t have to swallow everything they’re told. If you hear a phrase like “You are strong” and feel that it is not helping you, you can simply say: “This is not helping me” or “This phrase is not helping me right now.”

Love says she encourages her clients to keep a short sentence like this “in the pocket,” because it sets a clear line without outbursts or interruptions. Their impact is often educational as well, as many – as she recounts – did not even realize that expressions of this kind hurt rather than console, until a suffering person confronted them by saying: “This is of no use to me.” Only then do they rethink their words, and perhaps stop repeating this sentence to others.