The closest “stranger” to you.. Why does the “neighbor” remain the most complex relationship in our daily lives? | Lifestyle

We live side by side with our neighbours, we share walls, sounds and sometimes smells, we hear their music and their quarrels and perhaps know their names, yet many of them remain virtual strangers.

This strange distance between familiarity and suspicion makes the neighborly relationship one of the most complex relationships in daily life, and explains why it has become a constant topic of discussion, especially with “Neighborhood Day,” which falls on May 29.

A neighbor you can’t avoid

Sociologist Walter Zippel, a full-time professor at the University of Oldenburg, believes that the neighbor is “dangerous” because he is close to your privacy and because his presence is permanent and cannot be easily withdrawn from him. Anyone who disagrees with a friend or relative can cut off contact, but the neighbor can only be avoided by moving to another place, which is an expensive and tiring step.

This proximity has made neighbors a favorite subject in cinema, from Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear Window”, in which the film’s hero discovers a murder by monitoring the apartments opposite, to “Sliver”, which turns a residential tower in Manhattan into a surveillance network with hidden cameras. Cities like New York were also famous for the image of residents looking out from their high-rise apartments at dozens of other apartments, seeing glimpses of a life whose owners they did not know.

On the other hand, the dream of “my home is my castle” remains present in the imagination, an independent home and a safe distance from others. But the reality in countries like Germany is predominantly rent, that is, living among neighbors that constantly change. Therefore, Zippel advises dealing with new neighbors with a “polite distance”: politeness without exaggerated integration, because harmony is not guaranteed and because retreating from a very close relationship becomes difficult if disagreements arise later.

Even daily greetings reflect this tension. In major cities, many people avoid exchanging greetings in the hallways, not out of rudeness, but to avoid establishing a relationship they do not want. At the same time, privacy remains the most sensitive area. With the expansion of surveillance in public space, Zibel believes that the home is “the only place where a person has the right not to be seen,” and that is why many people hide behind high walls and fences.

However, neighbors sometimes impose themselves, when the electricity goes out, the Internet fails, or when water leaks from an upper apartment to another below. NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte recounts in his autobiography how when he was prime minister of the Netherlands, a sugary drink leaked from his elderly neighbor’s apartment onto his Italian suits, but he chose not to turn the incident into a conflict.

A close neighbor…and a promise of safety

With all these tensions, an old proverb reminds us that “a close neighbor is better than a distant brother.” The neighbor may be the first to lend a helping hand in an emergency and the closest person who can help with daily details: borrowing some necessities, watering flowers while traveling, or watching over the house for a short time. Zippel points out that these arrangements work when they are based on balanced exchange, because “no one wants to become indebted to his neighbor.”

During the Corona pandemic, the positive face of neighborhood appeared clearly. In many neighborhoods, people shopped for each other, took care of the elderly, and sang together from windows, as happened in several European cities.

From this mood arose “Neighborhood Day,” which began in France and extended to Germany and other countries, to encourage neighbors to meet and get to know each other through small parties or joint activities in the street.

Although neighborly disputes may reach the courts – as Zippel notes – neighborliness also carries an ancient promise of safety and belonging. Between the annoying neighbor and the saving neighbor, the neighborhood remains an accurate mirror of our daily relationships, and a space in which we test our ability to coexist with the “closest other” who we did not choose, but who remains a part of our lives.