You may have a long list of friends who have exhausted you with their volatility, boasting, selfishness, and utilitarianism over the years, but what we do not like to admit is that we also have another side in other people’s stories, in which we may be the source of annoyance and fatigue, but they do not often tell us that.
When someone starts a small quarrel, gradually withdraws from your life, or stops responding to your messages for no apparent reason, what is happening may be a reflection of your own behavior, says American psychologist Andrea Bonior, author of the book “Mending Friendships” – for the American “Time” magazine – who indicates that some behaviors cause tension and repeated emotional pressure on friends, until they finally decide to move away.
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And because one of the longest studies in history on happiness and health found that good relationships – not money or fame – are what make us happier and healthier; It is useful to stop at the most prominent signs that indicate that you may be the cause of losing friends without realizing it.
1- She only appears when she needs something
One of the quickest ways to ruin a friendship is for the other party to feel like they’re just an “emergency service.” Mehzad Hajjah, a social psychologist and author of “The Psychology of Friendship,” explains that making someone feel useful only when they are in trouble gradually makes them move away.
Useful behavior is common in adult friendships: a friend only calls or writes when he or she needs something, and then disappears. Ask yourself honestly, “When was the last time you reached out to a friend just to check in or say hello?” If you don’t remember, your friend probably remembers that you only communicate when you need to.
2- Never take the initiative
Some people are always in the “hosted” position: they are invited to go out, visit, and take trips, but they do not take the initiative to invite anyone. Repeating this pattern sends a clear message, “You matter less to me than I matter to you,” says Andrea Bonior.
Apologizing that the house is small, or that hospitality is exhausting you, or that you are not good at planning, may in the end be interpreted as excuses and nothing more. Even if you do not want to receive anyone at your home, you can take the initiative by inviting a friend to lunch outside the home or suggesting a simple meeting. The important thing is that the other party feels that the relationship is a two-way street.
3- Make every conversation revolve around you
This behavior has a name in psychology: “dialogical narcissism.” Bonior describes several forms of this exhausting pattern:
- Someone to whom you tell your difficult week, and he rushes to tell you about his most difficult week.
- Someone who constantly interrupts and doesn’t let you finish a sentence.
- An old friend sits with you for an entire hour, talking about himself without asking a single question about you, even though you shared many details of your life.
The problem is that those who practice these behaviors rarely pay attention to themselves, so Bonior suggests what she calls “post-conversation analysis.” After you finish a meeting or call, ask yourself:
- To what extent have you been directing the conversation towards yourself?
- What topics did your friend open up that you didn’t show real interest in?
- Did you interrupt him or overtalk him?
- When was there silence on his part? Did you notice that?
These questions help you break conversational narcissism before it turns into a silent reason for losing friends.
4- You are moody in your commitments
Apologizing for some meetings is normal, as everyone goes through circumstances and pressures. But the problem begins when repeated decline turns into a pattern.
Miriam Kirmayer, a specialist in adult friendships, says that the fluctuation of commitments eliminates the sense of security in the relationship. When you repeatedly cancel a last-minute meeting, delay replying to texts for days, or treat appointments as “optional,” others begin to feel like they’re not a priority, and over time they stop trying.
What is required is not perfection, but honesty: If you are tired or anxious, explain this instead of being silent or suddenly withdrawing.
5- You treat your friends as permanent psychotherapists
A healthy friendship is based on mutual support, but there is a big difference between opening up to your friend and sharing with him what worries you sometimes, and making him a permanent hotline for all your crises.
Marisa Franco, a psychologist and author of a book on self-esteem and secure attachment, suggests a simple rule: Before you open up to your friend about a heavy topic, first ask him if he’s willing to listen. A question like, “Do you have the energy right now to tell you about something that’s bothering me?” It seems simple, but it means that you see your friend as a human being with his limits, and not a vessel into which you can empty your feelings at any time.
If you notice that you depend on one person for all your details, admit it to yourself and try to distribute the burden of talking among more than one friend or resort to a specialist when needed.
6- Do not be genuinely happy for your friends’ successes
Relationships are tested more strongly in joy than in sadness. Psychotherapist Wendy Beharie tells of a person telling a friend about his promotion at work, and the normal friend responds with something like: “This is great news. I am very happy for you. Tell me the details.”
On the other hand, another person responds by saying: “I got several promotions before, I know how you feel very well,” and then turns the conversation to himself.
Mehzad Hojjah Remember that feeling jealous is natural, but it does not justify negative reactions or belittling the success of another. Your friend’s promotion did not cost you anything and his success is not an evaluation of your failure. Friends who celebrate us sincerely are rare, and it’s important that we are, too.
7- You ignore people or block them instead of dialogue
With the spread of social media, “ignoring” and “blocking” have become a common behavior for ending relationships.
Marisa Franco believes that these practices leave unnecessary wounds, and says that those who ignore others sometimes think that they are behaving nicely to avoid confrontation, but silence is often not understood as kindness, but rather as cruelty and ambiguity.
If you feel like suddenly disappearing from a friend’s life, think about the impact this will have on them: they will still wonder what they did, and may blame themselves without answering. In contrast, a frank but empathetic conversation about what’s bothering you may lead either to a more respectful ending or to an improved relationship.
8- You build your friendships on backbiting
Venting our feelings toward a third person sometimes happens, but Bonior warns against turning this into an unspoken rule of friendship: that the focus of every session be criticism of others.
With time, people notice that most of your talk revolves around the absence of others, and they lose confidence, because they realize that you may be talking about them in the same way in other gatherings. At this point they no longer see you as a safe friend, so they quietly withdraw.
In the end, the idea is not to blame yourself for any relationship that falters. Friendship is a shared responsibility, people change, and circumstances change. But looking honestly at our behaviors, psychologists and sociologists suggest, may give us a chance to salvage relationships that could have been lost silently, just because no one told us we were the problem.
Stop for a moment and ask yourself: “Am I really acting like a friend?” It may be the dividing line between an extended network of healthy relationships, and a long list of names that have withdrawn from our lives without us knowing why.
