Published on 4/30/2026
We often tend to label others in our lives as “difficult,” such as a friend who doesn’t take criticism, a partner who insists he or she is always right, or a colleague who turns any discussion into a fight. But a question we rarely ask ourselves: What if we were that person sometimes?
The difficulty is not in accepting the idea in theory, but in observing it in the moment it happens, says Jefferson Fisher, a conflict lawyer and author of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. According to a report by the American “Time” magazine, experts believe that there are signs that may indicate that your role in the disputes is greater than you think.
1- Generalization: “always” and “never”
In the midst of a disagreement, phrases like “you always” and “you never” seem to sum up the issue, but they actually change the course of the discussion. Instead of focusing on what happened, the conversation turns to a debate about the accuracy of these words: Does this really happen every time?
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The other party also feels that he is reduced to a constant negative image, so he tends to defend himself instead of thinking about what you are saying. Therefore, it is more useful to point out a specific situation and its impact on you: “When this happened, I felt this,” which opens the door to dialogue rather than debate.
2- Attacking the person, not the behavior
Confusing a person’s identity with his behavior is one of the most common mistakes, such as: “You are selfish” or “You do not change.” These statements do not criticize specific behavior, but rather affect a person’s image of himself, making him feel completely condemned.
Therapist Atali Abramovici explains that this prompts the other party to defend itself instead of trying to make amends. The alternative is to describe the action and its effect on you, such as: “I get hurt when you interrupt me,” so that the problem remains the behavior, not the person.
3- Recording points
When conflict turns into a constant recall of past mistakes, the relationship becomes more like a “ledger.” Often the problem is not the event itself, but rather a feeling of lack of appreciation or imbalance of effort.
In this case, a direct expression of need—such as, “I need to feel that my effort is appreciated”—is more effective than enumerating errors.
4- Double standards
We may justify to ourselves what we reject from others. We find excuses for our actions, while we interpret the same behavior on the part of others as negligence or lack of interest.
Paying attention to this duality helps achieve greater fairness, and greatly reduces the severity of the dispute before it escalates.
5- Do others treat you with caution?
Sometimes the problem appears in the behavior of others, not in your words. If you notice that they are avoiding certain topics with you, or choosing their words carefully, it may be out of fear of your reaction.
Listening to the observations of those close to us may reveal patterns that we do not see, but which are clear to those around us.
6- Disagreements follow you everywhere
Everyone goes through difficult periods, but the frequency of disagreements in most relationships may indicate a recurring pattern. Sometimes some people are unconsciously drawn to stress because it fills an internal void.
Just noticing this pattern can be the start of changing it.
7- Anger that lasts longer than necessary
Anger is a natural feeling, but if it persists for a long time, it makes us stick to our opinion only, and we lose the ability to see the whole picture.
The ability to calm down, and then try to understand the situation from two angles, helps to manage the conflict more balanced.
8- Defensive behavior
Psychologist Harriet Lerner describes defensive behavior as the number one enemy of communication. When we feel we are being attacked, we tend to react and defend rather than listen.
Noticing this moment and postponing the response a little allows you to understand what the other party is saying. Also, an apology – even if it is only for a small part – can reduce escalation and open the door to dialogue.
In the end, recognizing these signals does not mean beating oneself, but rather gaining awareness that helps improve relationships. Sometimes the real change in disagreements is to listen more, argue less, and ask honestly: What could I change about my approach?
